LGBT+ ALLYSHIP

How Can You Be the Best Ally You Can Be?

For many friends, family members, and loved ones of those in the LGBT+ community, it can be difficult to parse how to be an effective ally. Some become overwhelmed and anxious over saying or doing the wrong thing, but true allyship is about learning and growing from mistakes and experience. That said, here are a few ways you can work toward becoming a more effective ally!

MAKE YOURSELF A SAFE SPACE

One of the easiest ways to be an effective ally is to make it clear that you are a safe person for the LGBT+ community. There are many ways to do this, but here are just a few:

Use External Queer Symbols/Imagery: Whether you hang a pride flag in your classroom, wear a pride flag pin on your work lanyard, put an ally flag bumper sticker on your car, or find one of those adorable ‘Y’all Means All’ t-shirts, the important thing is that you demonstrate your support and care for the LGBT+ Community.

Don’t Let Bigotry Pass You By: Despite being difficult at times, do not allow homophobic or transphobic jokes slide by you unaddressed. Though it can be uncomfortable to confront someone who has said something bigoted, the only way ignorance can be eliminated is through accountability and education.

Set an Example: A simple way to show allyship to the transgender community is to introduce yourself with your name and pronouns. Though it can be a bit awkward at first, if cisgender people help to normalize the sharing and proper use of pronouns, it will become safer and more comfortable for transgender people to share their true names and pronouns in everyday life. Doing things like adding your pronouns to your email signature can also contribute to creating a culture more welcoming to transgender people.

BE OPEN TO LEARNING, GROWTH, AND CHANGE

Queerness doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and there are many conversations to be had about the ways being part of the LGBT+ community intersect with other aspects of identity like gender, religion, class, and race. No one starts as an expert on any of these topics, but there are ways to begin learning about them and applying that knowledge to your everyday life:

Set Clear Boundaries: Conversations about the experiences of marginalized

communities can quickly become heated and unproductive if you don’t first establish some ground rules. Things like name calling, yelling, or interrupting are common boundaries in clear and respectful discussions.

Don’t Treat the Conversation as a Debate: Treating conversations about sensitive topics as debates or verbal spars to be won eliminates any possibility of understanding or growth from either party. Instead, go into these sorts of interactions with the expectation that you’re exchanging ideas in good faith and trying to understand one another.

Do Your Own Research: You can’t always count on the queer people in your life to educate you on every aspect of their experiences; it’s equally important that you conduct your own research by reading and listening to works written by members of the LGBT+ community. This can be something as dense as an academic paper or as approachable as a graphic novel, as long as you’re absorbing the information.

Be Okay With Being Uncomfortable: Part of being an ally is learning when aspects of your own beliefs or behaviors are harmful or offensive. This can be difficult, but it’s important not to take that discomfort out on others or become defensive. Instead, channel that energy into behaving differently in the future.

BE SUPPORTIVE OF THE LGBT+ PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

If you have any LGBT+ people in your life, it is likely that at least one of them will come out to you at some point. Coming out simply means that someone trusts you enough to disclose their sexuality or gender identity to you. These moments can be of great benefit or great detriment to your relationship with the person coming out depending on how you handle it. Here are several things to bear in mind when responding to someone who has come out to you:

Be Open and Honest: If this is the first time someone has come out to you, complicated

and sometimes contradictory feelings can arise. If you’re feeling awkward or nervous, respectfully share those feelings with your loved one; chances are, they’re feeling just as anxious as you, if not more. There’s nothing wrong with asking for time to process the information they’ve given you or that they tell you if you say something rude or inappropriate. The most important thing is being respectful as you do so.

Show Your Support and Be Reassuring: Regardless of how you’re feeling in the moment, it’s incredibly important to recognize how vulnerable your loved one has made themselves by coming out to you. Recognize that bravery and reassure them that you love them just as much as you always have. Acknowledging that you appreciate their trusting you with this information can set your loved one more at ease.

Ask Questions and Have an Open Conversation: Following up reassurance of your loved one with questions shows your interest and care for them. Asking about how coming out has been for them, what name and pronouns they want to use, and whether they want you to keep their identity private are great places to start.

Do NOT Air Your Misgivings with the LGBT+ Community: Whether your faith of choice, political beliefs, or some other aspect of your life cause you to have moral issues with the LGBT+ community, immediately after someone has come out is absolutely NOT the time to share them. Instead, evaluate why you feel the way you do; read your religious texts and history, examine your political beliefs, and listen to the stories of those who have become allies with the LGBT+ community. Regardless of your personal convictions, turning an incredibly vulnerable moment with your loved one into a soap-boxing session can cause irreparable damage to your relationship with them.

Include Your Loved One and their Partner(s) in Community and Family Events: In much the same way that you would encourage a heterosexual family member to bring their partner to a family or community event, make it clear that your queer loved ones are welcome to do the same. Show interest in their life and relationships just like you would for the rest of your family; in essence, treat your LGBT+ loved ones like they’re of equal value to your heterosexual ones, because they are.

Learn More from Dr. Shea Stuart and Ben Fluornoy

Enjoy an impactful and informative presentation on effective allyship presented by Dr. Shea Stuart and Ben Fluornoy of Gardner-Webb University.

References

Human Rights Campaign Foundation. “Being an LGBTQ+ Ally.” HRC Digital Reports, Oct. 2022, reports.hrc.org/being-an-lgbtq-ally?_ga=2.269191602.23472517.1717081065-1084261456.1717081065. Accessed 30 May 2024.

The Trevor Project. “Black & LGBTQ: Approaching Intersectional Conversations.” The Trevor Project, 14 July 2021, www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/black-lgbtq-approaching-intersectional-conversations/. Accessed 30 May 2024.

The Trevor Project. “How to Signal You Are an Ally in Hostile Environment.” The Trevor Project, 14 July 2023, www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/how-to-signal-you-are-an-ally-in-hostile-environment/. Accessed 30 May 2024.